seriously. my btsa coach rocks: i got all my stuff in and organized(well, she organized it. cuz she rox!!!), plus, she has me well on my way to having all the paper work for one more standard for next year done. the colloquim tonight was painful, but truly could have been worse. we only wound up presenting to small groups and it was two of my colleauges so i didn't even try, really. it is indicative of my current state of mind that when asked to do an icebreaker that had you pick a song to describe the school year i first came up w/ "You've Gotta Fight" Beastie Boys followed by "Ball and Chain" Social Distortion(ok, that is possibly cuz i keep hearing it on the radio cuz they are playing BFD this year), quickly followed by Metallica titles: Jump in the Fire, Kill 'em All and So F***ing what, later on thinking of "Another Brick in the Wall". My peers suggested Jump--Van Halen, Isn't It Ironic--Alanis Morrisette, All You Need is Love--Beatles. We settled on Rollercoaster of Love--Chilli Peppers Version. Then we had to give next year's crop of unsuspecting victims "words of wisdom". Some funny stuff, lots of trite teacher crap. Including the guy I'm going to be team teaching with next year: "believe in your students and they'll believe in you back." ugh. that kind of crap makes me want to vomit. i think part of my issue with that statement at this particular time is that i can believe in my students all i want, but if they don't believe in themselves, they're not really going to get anywhere. besides, i don't need them to believe in me, per se. i want them to believe that education matters and that reading is an enriching part of life and that scarface is not the be all and end all of the american dream. but then again, i'm an insensitive ***. i forget that i know w/out a shadow of a doubt that i am doing the right thing w/my life and that i am in the right place at the right time. this confidence in how i am spending my life unfortunately comes across as arrogance when i forget that not everyone is as fortunate as i am to know that about themselves and their chosen(or not) career path. i know it takes all kinds and people make mistakes and there are probably tons of people out there who would have made great teachers given resources and support, but quit after a time b/c well, this job can royally suck. me? i'm special. it's my vocation. i can't really do anything else w/my life. and i know my limits. i can't handle what my bf goes through w/her kids. i couldn't handle teaching a whole bunch of places. but i'm not there. i'm where i'm supposed to be. and that makes this whole thing a hell of a lot easier. gives me certain sense of entitlement/superiority when talking to other people. ugh. yeah, i probably would hate me if i met myself. and then g was being all idealistic and talking about people wearing ties and stuff and i'm all "what does that have to do w/teaching?" i have ideals, they just don't get trotted out on display often b/c i don't deal in ideals. if i did, i would have shot myself in the head by now. i don't know how my brother is still alive, i swear. if i was as idealistic as him...i deal in reality w/ a huge dose of cynicism thrown in. always have. i can be waay too negative for my own good. i am insensitive to the feelings of other adults. i am better with kids/students, thank God. otherwise there would be some serious issues. in conclusion(ha-ha), i'm tired, i'm ready for summer and serious me time(did i mention that i'm selfish?) and yet, by midday last monday i was more than alright with being at school. its my place its what i do. once i get there and get with it, its all good. well, not all. i do want to go home at noon every day so far this week and june 8 is still farther away than i want it to be. the kids were hilarious today being "explorers" tho. i did a much scaled down version of the activity, but they had fun. plus, they got treasure.